Originally published August 22, 2014

Have you ever noticed that there’s always a new and catchy word or phrase making the rounds? 

How fast do people jump on the bandwagon to use it as often as possible in every conversation until the word or phrase becomes old hat?

During the years I worked in the rat race, I often traveled from one corner of the country to the other and could almost witness a new word or phrase finding its way to different regions of the Great White North.

I have always been the last to smell the coffee—probably because I think most catchy words or phrases are plain silly. Totally!

Now, everyone in this country knows that our neighbors to the south refer to us as Canucks, but there is no such word in the dictionary, eh?  (or at least there shouldn’t be, eh?). 

And although I love the Vancouver Canuck hockey team, I’m not fond of being called a Canuck.

Take yesterday, for example.

I was just about to ‘cross the line,’ and the US Customs Officer politely asked me the usual question: “What are you bringing into the country?”

To which I cheerfully replied, “diddly squat.”

I wasn’t trying to be a smart ass or anything.

Still, I guess the customs officer was confused by the term and decided to inconvenience me by making me go through the lengthy secondary inspection. 

However, that didn’t rattle my chains – I was all right and soon off and on my way to Trader Joe’s in Bellingham, Washington.

It was on my return to Canada that things started to get weird.

And it was all because the state of Washington had recently legalized marijuana. 

Numerous stores are selling it in the state, and they’re killing two birds with one stone by raising much-needed tax revenue while reducing crime and the inmate population in the ‘crowbar hotel.‘

Our Canadian Customs Officers have been ordered to be extra vigilant in preventing their citizens from bringing pot or weed into Canada.

So here’s how the conversation went:

Canuck Customs Officer: What was the purpose of your trip to the States?

Me:  I just picked up some groceries at Trader Joe’s and got some gas at Costco.

Canuck Customs Officer:  What is the value of the goods purchased?

Me: A total of $136.11.

Canuck Customs Officer:  Any alcohol or tobacco?

Now I haven’t smoked cigarettes in more than 12 years, and I’ve seldom drunk alcohol in the last five years since getting cancer, so I definitely would not be buying or bringing either back into the country.

Me:  Diddly, squat!

And this is when things started to get intense.

The officer then leaned into my car and started to sniff the air, which you could have cut with a knife.

I was just about to apologize for consuming several bowls of bean soup the night before and for ‘tooting the fruit’ all day when the officer suddenly jumped back from my car.

Grabbing his clipboard from the hut, the officer soon returned to my car.

Was it possible that he had mistaken the not-so-fragrant odor of my farts for that of an illicit drug?

My Dad was a customs supervisor at Toronto International Airport – and he fought the war against drugs for many years.

After he retired, I wonder if Dad became aware that his four sons smoked Marijuana?

As the interrogation continued, I was beginning to feel the officer’s cold, hard stare.

Canuck Customs Officer:

While you were in the States, did you buy or consume any of the following:

1.  Marijuana
2.  Grass
3.  Weed
4.  Pot
5.  Indo
6.  Ganja
7.  Green
8.  Wacky Tabacky
9.  Mary Jane
10. Chronic
11. Hemp
12. Bud
13. Herb
14. Peyote
15. Reefer
16. Goofy Boots
17. Cheeba
18. Bhudda
19. Hooch
20. Demp
21. KB
22. Hydro
23. Mersh
24. Art Supplies
25. Cannabis Sativa
26. Green Monster
27. Dope
28. Bob Marley
29. Smoke
30. Sticky Icky
31. Fallbrook Redhair
32. Kali
33. Hash
34. Indian boy
35. Purple Sticky Punch
36. Vipe
37. Afternoon Delight
38. Cannabis
39. Dank
40. Laughing Grass
41. Schwag
42. Dime Bag Special
43. F*ck the Pats
44. Green Panties
45. Alaskan Dog Fuck
46. Gong
47. Space Cowboy
48. Hungry Hungry Hippie
49. Panama Red
50. Oscar, The Grouch
51. Cheech and Chong
52. Nuggets
53. Mids
54. Puff the Magic Dragon
55. Bubonic
56. Dragpo
57. Purple Haze
58. Silver Haze
59. Trainwreck
60. Kush
61. Northern LIghts
62. Skunk
63. Whit Widow
64. Maui Wowie
65. Sweet Leaf
66. Frankenstein
67. Bruce Banner
68. Fun
69. Nugs
70. AK47
71. Yoda
72. Tumbleweed
73. Shit
74. Crippie
75. Doobie
76. Shrubbery
77. Dro
78. Krang
79. Sweet Thang
80. Combustible love
81. Sustenance
82. THC
83. Tetrahydracannibal
84. Scally Wag
85. Diesel
86. Tweed
87. Hemp
88. Wizzeed
89. Puff Puff Pass
90. Resin
91. Left-handed Cigarettes
92. Prince Albert in the left-handed can
93. Phillies
94. Filler
95. Greenbud
96. puff
97. Fuente
98. Doja
99. Peacebloom
100. Devil’s Lettuce.

Me:  Could you repeat the list a little slower for me, please?

And although it was tempting to prolong the fun, it was also getting late, and I was getting the munchies.

When I got home, I rolled a joint of medical BC Bud that my doctor prescribed, and wondered if my late father approved of Canada’s legalization of medical marijuana.

He probably did, because Mom would have stuck up for my brothers and me.

Dedicated to my Dad and other Customs Officers.

I hope my stories are a gift to your head and heart.

Hugs,

Danny

Today’s tune from Danny’s library (purchased):

Well, I came upon a child of God, he was walking along the road
And I asked him tell me where are you going, this he told me:
Said, I’m going down to Yasgur’s farm, going to join in a rock and roll band.
Got to get back to the land, and set my soul free.
We are stardust, we are golden, we are billion-year-old carbon,
And we got to get ourselves back to the garden.

Well, then, can I walk beside you? I have come to lose the smog.
And I feel myself a cog in something turning.
And maybe it’s the time of the year, yes, and maybe it’s the time of man.
And I don’t know who I am, but life is for learning.
We are stardust, we are golden, we are billion-year-old carbon,
And we got to get ourselves back to the garden.

[Instrumental]

We are stardust, we are golden, we are billion-year-old carbon,
And we got to get ourselves back to the garden.

By the time we got to Woodstock, we were half a million strong,
And everywhere was a song and a celebration.
And I dreamed I saw the bomber jet planes riding shotgun in the sky,
Turning into butterflies above our nation.

We are Stardust, we are golden, we are caught in the devil’s bargain,
And we got to get ourselves back to the garden.

Songwriters: Joni Mitchell

Here are other songs I’m listening to: These Songs Will Make You Smile Today.